


Unhappy birthday

by Squidbitch



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Birthday, Crying, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Junoverse | Juno Steel Universe, Loss, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Juno Steel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21998191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squidbitch/pseuds/Squidbitch
Summary: Most of the time, the open space makes him feel free. Now he just feels lonely.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 6
Kudos: 141





	Unhappy birthday

**Author's Note:**

> Me and Juno: ha, my birthday is one of the worst times of the year for me. Thanks mom!

Juno is sitting in his sweater, and boxers, his legs curled up. The blanket is wrapped tight around him, as he looks into open space. 

It's beautiful. It's  _ always  _ beautiful, seeing this permanent night without any atmosphere. Usually it makes him feel free. All this wide open vacuum of space, the universe at his fingertips. So much to discover so many adventures to have with people he loves. 

And so  _ so  _ far away from Benzaiten. 

He's never spent a birthday without him. Every year, it wouldn't matter if he was high, bleeding, if there was a radiation storm going on. He would always be there. Benzaiten should never spend a birthday alone, and all he can think about is his brother more isolated than he could be on a ship filled with loved ones.

Most of the time, the open space makes him feel free. Now he just feels lonely.

"Juno?" He hears someone call for him, but he keeps his eye on the window. It makes him feel lonely, but it also makes him feel closer somehow. Closer to space means closer to Mars means closer to Benten. How silly, the small comforts he makes for himself. 

"Juno, you weren't in bed." He hears Peter's quiet voice. How does he know? He only talks like that when he knows loud noises or voices will make Juno panic. 

"I'm still not." He notes. Peter must be telegraphing his motions, because it takes him a second to sit behind Juno on the cushy bench, and wrap his arms around his middle. His arms are loose, and his hands are soft on his tummy. He's warm. 

"Are you…" 

"If you ask if I'm okay, I'm finding another window." He says. 

Peter sighs. "You're right. Stupid question." It  _ is  _ nice to be in his arms. Even with his sharp angles and lanky body, he makes Juno feel safe and comfortable. He doesn't say anything else. He just traces shapes into the fabric of Juno's sweater. It's nice. Very comforting. 

Juno stays quiet for a long while as well. Somehow, even with the man he loves wrapped around him like the blanket that has pooled around his hips, he feels lonely. 

There's always a gap missing where Benzaiten use to be. On the one day that is meant for the two of them, that they should always have shared, it feels more tangible than ever. Even Ma, the cause of his absence would always tell the two of them to stick together.  _ You're all either of you have, _ she would say,  _ you have to protect one another, or you'll be all alone in this wretched world.  _ Juno puts his hands on Peter's, still looking out the window. He wants to find some way to make this easier, but the mourning will always feel so fresh some days. 

"It's my birthday." He says quietly. 

Peter squeezes Juno around his middle. The pressure is grounding. "I know." Of course he does. He's done some pretty extensive research. "Happy birthday?"

"Heh," He laughs without emotion, blankly looking at the window. He feels like if he shows any emotion he'll feel it all, and all at once. "Thanks. I just… it's my brother's birthday too. We were twins. I miss him. I've always visited Ben's grave as soon as it turned midnight into our birthday." He closes his eye, and stops looking out the window for the first time in a few hours. His eyes burn, and he realizes how dry his throat is. How long has he been sitting here? Since midnight he knows. He'll have to look at the time. "It's not even just that." He talks around the lump in his throat. "My birthday wasn't a good time for us when we were kids. Ma used it as an opportunity to make our lives hell. She beat the hell out of me, and told me it was just an anniversary to the biggest mistake of her life. She use to give us presents and made an awesome cake when we lived in Halcyon." 

He's crying now, harder than he should. With each word he can hear himself lose the dead, flat voice he'd been using, instead warbled and louder than he means to be. He doesn't even know when he turned around, his face in Peters chest, and his fingers fisted in his shirt. "I was fucking five when it first happened and I- I didn't get it. I guess I still  _ don't, _ I just curled around the table where I thought me and Ben's cake was gonna be, and took it. I haven't had one since I was four and I can't bring myself to make my own because then entire time I'd be thinking about how I should be making enough for two people when it's just  _ me _ and- and…" He doesn't even try to make words through his sobs anymore. 

He doesn't lift his face out of Peter's chest, just tucks himself away, and keeps crying. He probably doesn't want tears on the silk fabric, and the way his hands are gripping the front  _ can't  _ be good for it. He doesn't push him away, just soothingly massages Juno's head, running through his hair, while his other hand is pulling him close. "Oh sweetheart," Peter says, "I'm so sorry you went through that." He murmurs, his soft voice soothing. Juno can feel the vibration of his voice through his chest. 

He tries to say that he's sorry. That it's unfair to spring all of this on him. Instead, he focuses on breathing properly, and maybe stop shaking. His dumb sobs are hard to fight down.

Peter's soothing words, and steady voice helps him along the way, and eventually he's just clinging to his shirt. He still hides in his chest, not wanting to make eye contact. "Sorry, Nureyev." He says quietly, doesn't move. If Peter wants him off, he'll tell him, or move him. 

Peter looks down at him. There's anger in his eyes, and Juno almost flinches back at the sight of it. "You have nothing to apologize for. Only…"

"What?" Juno asks. 

He puffs out a breath. "I hate your mother." He admits. 

Juno gives a watery laugh at the words. "Yeah, me too." He gives a slight shrug. "So does Rita." He thinks about it for a second or two. "And Vespa."

Peter raises his eyebrows. "Vespa?" he remarks, surprised. 

He leans his head on Peter's shoulder. "She saw my scars, and once asked me my medical history. That includes broken bones. When I got through maybe a sixth of all my fucked up body parts, she got curious on how I got so..." he gestures to encompass the mess that is his body after years of mutilation from both himself and others.

"Ah." He tugs on the blanket that had been forgotten when Juno started crying, and wraps it around his shoulders. "Are you tired at all? You weren't in bed when I went, and it's almost five in the morning."

"Five in the…" He groans. "Of course. I didn't even notice." He traces a vein running itself up Peter's arm. He doesn't have nearly as many scars as Juno does. Just a soft plane of skin, slightly fractured by miles. Strength disguised by how lean and lithe he is. There's something safe in that. The familiarity of his arms." Could you just hold me? While we're in bed? I don't think I can stand being alone right now." He requests softly, just quiet enough that if Peter doesn't reply, he can pretend he didn't hear. 

He drops a kiss to the crown of Juno's head. "I'd love to. You know you hardly ever let me do so. How sad that I want to hold you every second." He sighs dramatically. 

"Oh shut up." He snorts. "Here, help me up." 

Peter props his hands up under Juno's arms, which make him feel a little like a ragdoll. It must be the way he pulls him around willy nilly like he weighs nothing. 

"I meant just an arm to pull myself up or something." He complains without anger. "But that works. 

" Well, I know your legs are asleep sweetheart."

Juno quirks an eyebrow. "Must be an occupational hazard. Something about body language?" His feet kick to get his circulation going.

Peter laughs quietly. One of his true, genuine laughs that makes Juno feel so incredibly lucky. "I suppose it's something like that. Now come with me, we should both be asleep by now."

"Okay." Juno says, following after him. Honestly, he kind of wants to stay there, staring out the window until the day is over, but Peter's hand is strong and warm on his own. The insistence in his pull, and Rita's voice in his head does well enough to convince him. 

Maybe later he'll set up the picture of him and Ben that he'd kept from his childhood, and he can act like that's him. He'll give the small memorial cake or something, though he really doesn't want to make it. He got the idea from a few old earth religions. Something called Buddhism. He doesn't believe in any higher power whatsoever, but the thought is comforting. 

Peter makes well on his promise. He lays down first, and let's Juno lay on his chest. It's nice. 

"Thank you." He mumbles into his chest. 

"Of course." Peter sounds drowsy. These days he gets tired so quickly. It hurts, sometimes, the constant reminder that they're aging. They only have so much time together, and that time is getting shorter by the day. Juno will take what he can get, but the knowledge that they can't keep this up forever, that everything is temporary, scares him. "I've never had a birthday, and I don't know what my birthday is in the first place. Honestly, specific dates, even dates of traumatic experiences don't quite impact me the same. I understand that it must be horrible, but time is so muddled." He looks at the ceiling. "Sometimes I envy your ability to even keep track of it. I know I must be in my late thirties, but honestly? I don't know how old I really am, and it bothers me." His words are slurred slightly through lack of sleep. 

Juno breathes in his scent. "It's not all that fun. It feels necessary, but not… I hate having days that I'm upset. All over something that happened decades ago." He sighs. "You should go to sleep. I can hear how goddamn tired you are in your voice."

"But you aren't tired at all." Peter mentions.

"I'm not, but I'll try to sleep eventually. I'll be here when you wake up, okay?"

Peter finally closes his eyes. "If you say so." 

He falls asleep. A few hours later, Juno does too.


End file.
